3 Ways We Subconsciously Sabotage Our Relationships


3 Ways We Subconsciously Sabotage Our Relationships

Relationships are like the rubix cube to this world. Sometimes life would seem so much simpler if there were a manual that taught us how to do everything in a relationship. I know there’s over 1000 self-help books on how to “find the perfect lover” “how to become a player” or “where’s my match?

But love is a game we all play differently because we’re not just dealing with the general rules of attraction. There’s so many other factors to put on our plate such as how we should look, where to meet the perfect person, what to say, how to react, when to go in for the kiss, and so much more. At most times, love just resembles a complicated game that only a lucky few could play.




1. Looking for the exact match

People go on dates all the time and when they do, all they’re thinking about in the back of their mind is how perfect their love interest is, and how they could raise a life together with them. They discuss each other interests and it’s until during some point of that conversation when someone notices a flaw or error in their ‘perfect‘ lover.

The moment they find a flaw, a part of their illusion about having the perfect life is shattered. It could be something small such as not enjoying reading as much as the other person. Or it could be something big such as the other person was an ex assassin and is on the run from a few country governments.


Either way, it’s when we first notice an imperfection about someone we’re dating that causes us to slowly itch away from them. We look for ways to break the relationship because we see no happy ending. However, to avoid seeming as the bad guy, our subconscious tends to have us do things that ticks the other person off, hoping they would eventually pack up and leave us alone. Thus, setting us on the impossible path of looking for someone to spend the rest of our life with.


2. Spending time with the wrong people

To be frank, sometimes it sucks being alone when we go the the movies, the park, or just relaxing in our home. So rather than constantly facing that solitude of loneliness, we find people to spend time with. This is how people end up hanging out with the wrong crowd of people who end up accepting them. This is how we sometimes end up with the wrong type of person in a relationship.

But I do understand the struggles when a person doesn’t have much social interactions. Speaking from personal experience, when we face the depths of loneliness for so long, it creates a sense of antisocial behavior, depression, or increased stress levels. And to get rid of those feelings, we end up spending time with one of the first people who accept us for who we are. In most cases, this would be great.

But you have to ensure the person you start a friendship or love life with is someone who doesn’t disrespect your values or beliefs. Many men and women end up in abusive relationships with no willpower to leave because they fear the feelings of being alone again.



Don’t be picky when it comes to choosing someone, but don’t date someone only because you’re feeling lonely and want someone to go to the movies with. Methods to use when you’re struggling with loneliness is first recognizing and accepting it. From there, consider doing community service or other public activities you enjoy. For more tips on how to combat loneliness, I recommend visiting the American Psychological Association, which uncovers research psychologists used to understand loneliness and ways to build stronger social connections.


3. Scared to conquer the “friendzone” giant

At some point in a person’s life, they end up in the friendzone category with one of their friends or a person they know. They enjoy spending time with that person and doing things together with them. They understand each other well and release their hearts to one another concerning life problems.

The only problem one of them face is finding a way to escape the friendzone and take their partner in as their lover. They enjoy the relationship they have with the guy or girl, but too scared to make the first move because it’ll forever change things. In a way, you’ll be opening Pandora’s box concerning that issue. If we simply told our best friend that we’ve been in love with them, it’ll either cause them to:

React the same way with hugs and kisses


Run away due to fear or shock


Or feel awkward with no idea how to react to the situation


These three scenarios are what cause people to fear their battle against the friendzone giant, scared of what the results could be. Some people prefer using alcohol to give them the courage they need as others jump right into the pit.

But the longer someone dwell on their thoughts on what to do, the more they’ll subconsciously start hurting the relationship by reacting negatively to the person they like. The moment someone falls in love with their friend, friendship will never be enough. It’ll be like playing with a basketball half filled with air.


For those who’d like to know ways to reveal their true feelings to their friend, I recommend starting a “flirtationship” and seeing where it goes from there. If the person you admire sends flirtation signals back to you, use your judgments to test the waters. 


In final thoughts….

Don’t over-analyze the situation when struggling to determine where your future spouse is located. In the ideal world,  we would have the perfect spouse that magically came to us in a package.

But things don’t work that way, and we have to accept people flaws such as how they accept ours. Don’t jump into relationships because you’re scared to be alone. It’s when you’re alone when you can truly think to yourself and your own desires.

You may desire physical or mental neediness that another human could offer you, but resist the temptations of feeling like you need a partner in order to fill complete.

Otherwise, you might be in a relationship you’ll regret later or ruin a friendship that was once special. If you’re in a friendship you want to take to the next level, learn ways to reveal your feelings to them or act in a way that’ll naturally attract them to you.


About Author

Besides being random and dealing with ADHD from time to time, Michael Gregory II is the CEO of the Self Development Workshop. He's traveled to over a dozen countries, counselled a variety of people, and continues furthering his knowledge in self-development, depression, and mastering your happiness. On his lazy days, he enjoy watching people, reading in Starbucks, and speaking to random strangers. (Yeah, he’s weird.)


  1. Tiffany Exraamar on

    im always shy whenever I talk to new people. My confidence sucks and it seems to never get better. but ill use these tips to see what happens. Thanks Michael!

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