Introverts Lives Miserable Because of A Harsh Truth
A few nights ago, I encountered a woman who sparked an interest in me. We were discussing about the difference between shy and introverted people. Although she assumed they were two peas in the same bottle, I had to correct that belief.
I reminded her that introverts are never afraid to speak to people, we choose not to because we don’t like the attention. The more attention we’re given, the more energy we’re required to use.
But as I listened to her speak, I noticed a strange fact about her story. For those who don’t want the long version (TLDR), she accidentally revealed herself to be a shy introvert. As for those who want some emotional connection with this woman, she described her last day of college.
During a farewell party, she still remembered observing everyone from her graduate class celebrating as if it was a New Years Eve party. Each person was dressed beautifully as they spoke to one another.
Of course they would occasionally speak to her, but would all return back to their original group of friends. It was then she noticed nearly everyone there had a group of friends who they shared an amazing experience with in college.
They shared memories that would last for a lifetime, but she would not be part of because she was either too shy or intimated from speaking to them throughout the school years. Every time she saw her classmates, she prevented herself from socializing with them because she was scared they would make her the center of attention.
She was worried that at any party she attended, people would give her attention and exhaust her from wanting to do anything else. She loved all her classmates and loved the short times she spent with them at either restaurants or public events.
To this day, she still thinks about them nearly often and regrets the decisions she made in regards to not socializing with them more because she believed she couldn’t handle it. At that moment, I realized she had a condition that is a horrible combination such as a peanut butter and hot sauce sandwich. Which was living as a shy introvert.
There’s definitely a clear difference in regards to introverts and shy people, but whenever someone is both, it can be difficult to diagnose. Introverts aren’t too bothered by tolerating other people’s chatter because it’s an expected habit we’re forced to deal with. Like exercising, we may not feel like socializing most of the time, but know it’s require for a healthy lifestyle. Which is why we usually limit ourselves to people we actually like speaking to to make life easier.
But shy introverts spend most of their lives excluding themselves from social situations that require more than just facile conversations. Shy introverts usually form very weak friendships that can easily break apart because of any minor inconvenience. Shy introverts has at most 1 or 2 people they can truly refer to as friends. (If even that.) Shy introverts best hope for a friend is sometimes even the random clerk who greets them every morning in the store.
And because of the lack of social experience a shy introvert suffers from, they have no idea on ways to execute a conversation when presented with the opportunity. It’s like being shoved a bunch of random ingredients and people expect you to make Thanksgiving dinner that same day. It’s going to turn out messy.
Whether you’re a shy or confident introvert, we all have a sudden urge for the company of others. Some introverts have friends who’ll be willing to go out with them as others only browse through their Facebook wall in disappointment from the lack of friends in their lives.
I keep my friend-list extremely limited, so I usually experience the second feeling more often than I should. It sucks when you’re lying on your couch hoping someone would text or give you some kind of social acknowledgement. You question your social skills and if you’re a likable person.
But whenever I feel the urge for socialization, I force myself to put on the extrovert mask and go to the outside world. I usually use Meetup or visit a local bar. It usually doesn’t take long before I interact with a group of people or a woman I’m interested in. But shy introverts normally don’t settle for those solutions. Which is why it’s crucial they realize….
What Society Assumes We Need
Life gets confusing when you’re constantly questioning what’s missing in your life as a shy introvert. During a time of loneliness, your thoughts can sway to bits of different ideas on what is the definition of happiness. Some usually point towards drugs or alcohol which rarely leads to anywhere productive. Others are led to believe they need wealth, a sexy body, a hot partner, or a fast car in order to feel successful at life.
But even when you experience all of those things, life can still feel pretty dull. There’s still something missing that you can’t bear to mind, which is the feeling of companionship. It’s initiating a brotherhood, sisterhood, friendship or love that makes people satisfied.
I’m certain you’ve seen 3rd world pictures where poor families of 20 children are happier than a wealthy family who’s constantly arguing. I’m pretty sure if you did a reality show on a poor family in South America, you’ll see a healthier relationship than what you’ll see on any episode on The Kardashians.
Nothing says family time than a punch to the face.
Now that we’ve established how important relationships are above those other goals, how can you push yourself to do get some?
For one thing, Congratulations
Being a shy introvert isn’t totally bad. Although I don’t encourage the behavior of shy introverts, I will state the major benefits you’ve received from it.
- You missed out on having fake friends who drag you into chaos or don’t care about your personal problems.
- You avoided unnecessary small conversations that would have done nothing more than drain your energy.
- You missed out on being dragged to useless events and living in other people expectations
But Seriously, to Fix That Problem on Sustaining Friendships
Rather than explaining techniques on how to stop being shy and become the person you always wanted to be, I think an easier solution is needed for this problem.
Overcoming shyness isn’t an easy fix and can take months. But waiting months for a possible friendship isn’t an attractive idea. It’ll be like your waiter saying your food will taste even better if the chef went into the jungle, killed the animal you wanted, and brought it back to the kitchen to skin and cook.
Sure, it’ll probably taste fresher than the meat he has in the fridge, but that can literally take hours. If you’re still interested on how to get rid of your shyness, here is your solution. And if you want the video to that post, check this out. As for the others, here are some simple tips that will help.
Make Friends At Work
When you spend time with someone everyday at the office, it gets easier speaking to them. You don’t mind showing them your strange quirks or habits because they have to tolerate you anyway. Its not like they’ll exclude you from the world if they don’t like the food you eat. They just learn to accept you for who you are.
It’s like a married couple. The odds of divorce happening because of a strange habit is very unlikely. If you spot anyone in the office or work environment who seems friendly enough, give them a simple hello. Initiate small talk and get to know them a little more everyday.You may be shy, but still feel a rush of energy as an introvert when you understand someone.
Make Friends in Class
If you’re in any type of school, try speaking to someone who sits in your classroom. And if you’re too afraid to initiate the conversation, sit next to someone who’s extroverted or isn’t afraid of stating their opinions.
Laugh at their jokes despite how stupid they might be to prove you find their sense of humor funny. And be genuine in your laugh. People can tell a fake laugh from a real one. Fake laughs are just as obvious as those fake cereals that copy the real brand. Once you show interest, you open a door of opportunity to become their friend.
Make Friends with your Neighbors
I don’t have this special convenience. I live in a family neighborhood as a bachelor. But you may live somewhere that has people in your age group. Use that opportunity to “stalk” someone until you find the right opportunity to speak to them.
Just to clarify, when I say “stalk”, I mean keep an eye out on people you may want to talk to. Observe their actions in the outside world and spot any interest you can relate to. For me, I once noticed a woman in my neighborhood who dressed fondly and carried a book. That gave me the idea she was introverted and was possibly a good match to speak to.
But What If You’re Boring?
Let’s not forget that as a shy introvert, you may not be the most interesting person in the world. You may not understand certain social cues that seem common to the average person.
I’ll be fibbing if I said that you can’t be boring when you speak to someone. But it can happen amigo. It can happen far easier than you’d probably like. You can be boring by talking too much, speaking about something that the other person simply doesn’t like, or being a mute in the conversation.
There’s a lot of tips and tricks on maintaining a conversation, but the main one you should practice is threading. Threading is a method used when you start talking to people without having any similarities to them. You identify the subjects during a conversation and use that to keep the conversation alive.
For example, someone might speak about their pets, their job, or their experience in a recent trip. You pick one of those topics and keep asking them questions about the other person’s experience. Don’t ask them one answer questions. Give them a story they could tell you. Ask how they received their pet, any crazy job stories, or what made them go on the trip.
Always drive a conversation towards a story so you can have the other person dive into their emotions. It’s usually not what’s said during the conversation that matter, but how you made the other person feel.
A rule of thumb to keep in mind is the more you speak to people using the threading technique, the easier it gets to speak to anyone. You learn how to mimic their behavior and realize people don’t really say anything that’s different from anyone else. They just speak about whatever is on their mind.
Learn to have fun whether you’re alone or with a group of people. Laugh when you need to or feel natural, and show compassion when it’s expected. These are the type of people you’d love to be accompanied by so why not exhibit the same behavior.
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