An Introvert’s Guide To Build Confidence
I still remember the night I visited a local nightclub that I haven’t been to in a while. Although my goal was to dance, possibly meet a woman, and establish a relationship, my shy habits restrained me from doing so.
There was a cute girl sitting on the bench starring at me and smiled when I gave her eye contact. Although my mind screamed for me to approach her, my foot remained in place and I did nothing more than give an awkward smile before returning back to my own world.
Needless to say, despite what I wanted to do, I chickened out in that encounter. All because I thought of every excuse in the book such as, “maybe she has a boyfriend,” or “maybe she just wants to be alone.”
That night haunted me for a while because of the way I allowed my own insecurities to get the best of me. Which reminded me about one of the most important rules that an old mentor taught me a few years ago, which was:
Practice make perfect
I’m sure you heard of that statement before. It’s been on at least 1000 children television shows. But it’s true. Part of the reason I didn’t have the strength to speak to that woman was because I barely spoke to anyone back then, and to shift from my inner thoughts to a beautiful human who’s going to judge me intimated me.
This guide will be strictly on social confidence and approaching people for shy introverts or anyone who deal with social anxiety.
And confidence takes a major role in that solution. No matter what aspect of life you’re dealing with, there isn’t a moment where confidence won’t help you. Love, job, sex, friends, and self-improvement, all depends on one’s confidence.
You know that feeling when you visit a new restaurant and have no idea what to order? The feeling of uncertainty and uneasiness. Yeah, most people feel that way about life despite how confident they are.
But it’s the self-belief that you’re capable of handling a situation that gets thrown your way that makes the difference. As a child, I wanted to be a Firefighter. Now I work in technology and writing. We’re always trying to figure it out, but we don’t let our fear take the wheel.
The more confident you become, the better you do with people. The better you do with people, the more confident you become. The main thing you need to watch out for is arrogance.
Be CONFIDENT in yourself, but do not become CONCEITED. Arrogance will negate any advancements you make in becoming confident.
So, let’s start with a guide, yeah?
1. Starting from the bottom:
You’re sick of not doing things because you’re afraid of rejection. All of your life you spend wondering “what-if” or “I should have…” now’s the time to stop and DO what you want.
You’re too afraid of rejection? That is fine.
Baby steps are necessary in building your confidence. You’re going to need to force yourself out of your comfort zone for this one. Let’s start.
Whenever you’re walking places, make eye contact with strangers walking passed you. When they meet your eyes, smile or nod at them but DO NOT break eye contact until they pass you.
I don’t mean stare them down from 50 yards away, that’s a quick way to come off as intimidating. Let’s say you see a cute girl walking by. Make eye contact with her, when she meets your gaze, SMILE at her. 9/10 times she will smile back. Not so bad right?
What of the other 1/10 you ask??
Who cares. She’ll likely just stare you down and keep walking. Not bad, right? You just felt a bit of rejection, but you don’t even care because the 9 other cute girls smiled back at you. Walking passed a guy? Nod at him.
Guys are a lot less likely to respond, but most will at least nod back. You’ll notice over time that you can do this no problem, that’s when you need to step it up a notch.
2. I can nod, wink, and smile like the best, what now?
Now you start saying things to them. You can smile for days and not feel even the slightest bit nervous. How about talking to her? Now you feel a little tense, right?
Try it. She’s walking by you. You make eye contact. Smile. She smiles back. She’s so hot, you want to talk to her. Just do it. Say hello. 9/10 she’ll say hello back to you. Feel better? Not so bad, huh?? Do this to everyone. Nice old lady?
Hello. Resting bitch-face girl? Hello. Just keep doing this until you can say hello to anyone you see.
So, still not bad, huh? You’ve gotten used to that, so let’s step it up a bit more. An attractive woman is walking passed you. You can smile and say hello no problem. You see her rocking a white top with high-tops and jeans.
She looks good to you. COMPLIMENT HER. She’s walking by, smile. She smiles back. “I love your style”. Watch her light up. You’ll make her whole day, guarantee it. Think about when people compliment you. Makes you feel good, right? Same goes for her.
There’s a trick to this though, boys. NEVER compliment a girl on something she cannot control. She has beautiful brown eyes? She knows that, EVERY guy has told her.
Her long legs look hot in the summer sun? She knows, she’s heard it. She has no control over it. Her fashion sense though? She wants that validated. She wants to know she looks good in it. TELL HER THAT.
“I love your style”, “you really rock that outfit”, “that dress looks really pretty on you”. Girls love this. It’s enough to show interest, but not enough to make a stranger weary of you.
3. I can compliment someone’s fashion, no problem. Now what?
Now I’m sure you’ve noticed you’re more confident around people. Guarantee it. Now it’s time to make small talk with people. EVERYONE. Old man, hot girl, nerdy guy, fat girl, talk to them all.
You’re sitting outside studying for your science test. A girl-next-door type is sitting a few feet away from you. Chat a bit with her. Nothing too long, just a quick 2-3 chat. About school, life, interests, whatever.
Small talk with random people is a great way to broaden your horizons and gain the confidence you need for cold approaches and long conversations. You’re at the mall. You’re with your friends who want to go buy new shoes.
You don’t feel like it so you sit outside in those nice leather chairs. There’s an old man next to you. You can tell he’s sick of his wife shopping and wants to go home. Talk to him. Old people honestly are masters of small talk.
They can hold a conversation about ANYTHING. Become like that; able to talk to anyone. Never, ever stop making small talk with people. Even when you’re 100% confident in yourself, always talk to people.
We’re social by nature, it’ll always make you feel great.
4. So, I can talk to anyone. Now what?
Apply it. Here’s where we start getting to bigger game, start connecting the dots of 1-3. You can make eye contact, give an opener, and begin small talk. Bang, you now have the basis for a pickup!
You’re at Starbucks, waiting on some iced mocha and you see a really sweet and sexy woman by the counter. Go over and sit near her.
She’ll likely look up to see who’s sitting next to her. Make eye contact with her, smile, and say hello. She’ll smile back and say hi. You just got parts 1 and 2 down. Now for part 3.
You see she’s reading a book about lions. You love lions. Lions are your favorite animal because you are a freakin lion. Use that to initiate a point of mutual interest. Talk to her about lions.
After a minute or 2, get her name, and introduce yourself. Wait for them to call her for her drink. She’ll likely get up and say “it was nice talking with you.” This would be where part 3 would stop, but this is part 4.
Tell her to hold on, tell her how you felt talking to her (don’t be creepy, just say something like “I really enjoyed meeting you” or the sort) and say something along the lines of “we should get coffee together” or “let me get your number and we can meet here again sometime.”
She says no. “Wait Michael, but you just…” Stop now. Realize a lesson you need to learn now.
Rejection is not failure. Rejection is just a way that did not lead to success.
Learn this now. Every time you “fail”, you’re not really failing. You’re learning. You just learned a new method that does not work. Approach has a HUGE learning curve.
Every guy needs to learn what works for them. Some guys can be blunt and mysterious, that’s my approach method. Other guys may need to be more excited and playful, that’s their type. Other guys may need to tease right off the bat. Every guy is different. You need to learn YOU.
5. Okay, I’ve learned my approach type. Now what?
Approach girls! You’re pretty confident now, right? You’re becoming more and more confident as you learn more about girls and yourself. I’m sure you’re seeing much more success. Apply it all.
You’re walking to class. You see the Latina of your dreams. Long legs, fair skin, beautiful hair, your type. You want to talk to her SO bad. You want to know her, and you WANT to talk to her.
Just do it
Approach her. Eye contact, smile, walk over to her, and launch your approach. Be confident, smile a lot, stand up straight, maintain eye contact, and swallow your nerves. This is it; the ultimate test of your confidence. She’s all you’ve dreamed of. This will test your mettle.
Put yourself outside of your comfort zone constantly. This will build up your confidence exponentially quicker than little conquests you’re okay with.
“Hello, my name is Michael.”
“Hi, I’m Jen.”
I like the hand shake from here because it breaks the initial, non-sexual touch barrier, and it reaffirms she liked meeting you.
To each their own.
“It’s great to meet you Jen.”
“Haha, you too Michael.”
Smile at her. Say it.
“Listen Jen, I need to head to class, but I’d love to get coffee with you sometime.
Let’s exchange numbers and we’ll set something up.” Maintain eye contact. She’s had 2 minutes to decide if she wants to go out with you. You just dumped the scenario on her.
Do not ask her, offer her the scenario. You’ve show you’re a go-getter and what you want. Now it’s up to her to be receptive or not. She blushes. “Yeah, I’d love to.”
You exchange numbers, chat another 10 seconds then say “see you soon.” This is a moment to be proud of yourself.
A phone number does not guarantee anything. From here, it’s up to you.
But it made you feel good huh? Now you’re even more confident. Go have fun with her this weekend. Get some coffee, go to a park, do something. If she flakes, so be it. Move on to the next girl who’s worth it.
6. Okay, I’ve gone out of my comfort zone, what do?
Keep doing it. You can only go up from here. Keep repeating these steps and look back at how much you’re improving over time. You’ll be amazed and happy with yourself.
Keep practicing these over and over again. The more you venture out of your comfort zone, the more confident you become.
Be sure to improve yourself, too. Workout, get hobbies, become independent. All of these are desirable AND help your confidence. Watch yourself grow.
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