I am involved with a fellow Tim, a friends with benefits type relationship, I guess, but it’s very confusing, it’s like we’re boy/girlfriend, he came into my life 4 months ago and has really never left, which doesn’t bother me, I like his company, he doesn’t live off me he helps me with some expenses groceries, hydro and other expenses.
I had been single for almost seven years living in isolation by choice while suffering from alcoholism, which I can proudly say I’ve been clean over one year. Having Tim here has rejuvenated me.
I feel like the person I was prior to these last seven years I forgot how much I enjoyed that person. There was a off colour joke made and I thought it was made by Tim’s friend I was insulted but I shrugged it off, then I found out that I was mistaken it was Tim that said it his friend just was the one who text it, I am crushed, I know it was something he thought was funny, but never thought about what or how the context would cause a woman to feel.
It` has made me feel so bad about myself and I have so little self esteem and suffer from severe social phobia/anxiety that crap is always in my head I don’t need someone putting more disrespecting comments in my head, he doesn’t get it, he blew off plans that I have had just us time but planned events, because of this friend.
I had made plans for an exciting evening for three days it was last night , it had a flaw I told Tim about, but I also said I would figure it out, well his friend called and instead of my plans we went and helped his friend rearrange his furniture.
I wanted to redo last night tonight but he had poker night with his friend, leaves me feeling his very self absorbed and I’m really not worth giving up a night of poker because of his horrible actions ( the insulting comment and blowing my plans off. It’s just a friends with benefits relationship.
In order for FWB to work: 1. You’re friends first. Friends respect each other, and that means total honesty, more honesty than is required for a casual hookup, since secrets might cause problems that break the friendship.
Friends help each other. Friends care for each other. Friends look out for each other’s wellbeing. The friendship is more important than the sex. 2. You are sexual agents, who choose and consent, second. Sex makes you healthy and happy, and it’s great for both parties to choose that. 3.
You must not treat your friend like a sexual object, who is used. Do not use sex with a friend in a way that your friend is unaware of. Err on the side of getting too much permission.
Unless you clarify what you want in a fwb, your friend will continue treating you the same as before. He will see his other friends over you such as he’ll choose you over his other friends from time to time.
You will only over react if you think he’s supposed to be with you when he doesn’t want to be. There is a clear line between friendship and dating and being fwb with someone is the gray path that’s tricky to obey.
If you want to date him, read his body language and see where you can take the relationship. But you should ask him if he wants this change also. Listen carefully. Don’t project your wishes and dreams onto his words and actions.
If he says no, he doesn’t want to a more emotional relationship, then you have your answer. That should be your cue to stop seeing him. You will need make that break to find the relationship that does satisfy your emotional needs.
It’s confusing,annoying and usually more trouble than it’s worth. Neither party really wants the relationship to continue in this manner (at least one is always pushing for something more to develop) and unless you REALLY work on the “friends” part, it usually doesn’t last too long.
In my experience, when they are no clearly defined “rules” and “out of bounds”areas (like not showing up late, drunk looking for sex or referring to the other person as your girlfriend/boyfriend, etc) there are going to be problems.
Also I have disagree w/ Ms. Choi: One of the quickest ways to end a FWB relationship is to “demur” when approached for intimacy by your FWB. It’s not like they are somebody you are hooking up with at the bar.
This is a person with whom you have an emotional relationship and who cares about you. Turning them down for a stray piece of ass will be seen as “tacky” and will likely lead to a situation where the FWB comes to an end. For me (and please forgive the pun) it’s all the way in or all the way out. There is no middle ground.
As someone who came from an… emotionally complicated family background, the people telling you you’re overreacting are, I think, dangerously wrong. You can, at the least, expect any good boyfriend to make an effort to understand and empathize with what you’ve been through. Every guy I’ve dated has, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable or unusual, and you don’t have to settle for anything less.